The Things You don’t Say to a Nudist

We have been wanting to write about this topic for a while, especially when we see yet another social media post about nudism, and the comments section is filled with remarks about the person’s physical appearance. Many times, those comments don’t leave much space for interpretation. A “you look great” could be considered sweet or friendly, a “nice boobs babe” is rather… well… yeah… Pretty annoying.

Why we never wrote about this before

Many other bloggers have written about this topic before, and you can even find it mentioned in the list of rules of your favorite nudist resort. There are certain things you are not supposed to say according to the nudist etiquette and complimenting others on their body parts definitely makes the top three.

 

But there’s also a dark side to this rule. Some time ago, we heard the story about how several guests at a nudist resort complained to the staff about a single man acting weirdly. He had positioned himself at an empty corner of the sun deck next to the pool and didn’t talk to anyone. Nor did he ever make eye contact with any of the other guests. This made a number of mental alarm bells go off and one of the staff members went over for a chat with the guy.

 

Apparently, he was a super introverted person, and to prepare for his first visit to a nudist resort he had done a lot of online research. He had read all the do’s and don’ts lists, which typically are a bit longer when it comes to singles, and what he found was not exactly encouraging him to strike up conversations with random naked strangers. So he figured that the best thing he could do was try to make himself invisible. When you don’t talk to anyone, it’s impossible to say anything wrong, right? Apparently not.

The art of talking to strangers

On one of our pre-Naked Wanderings travels, we hung out with two guys for a while who we had met along the way. One of them was really outgoing, talking to everyone he met and if there weren’t any people around he was probably talking to dogs and goats. The kind of guy who could literally say everything. Who could even say something offending without anyone being offended, just because of the way he said it and his body language. Everyone liked him instantly.

 

The other guy really looked up to his friend. You could notice how much he envied the smoothness of how his friend socialized. He tried to copy him. On several occasions, we saw the not-so-social guy make the exact same joke as his friend had done an hour earlier. But it didn’t work. Instead, it felt rude and offensive. The remark that made everyone laugh when friend A said it, made people feel embarrassed and disgusted when friend B said it.

 

Communication is about much more than just words. It’s also about the right time and place, about your tone and body language, and about estimating the mental state of the person you’re talking to. We believe that there might be an ideal setting where “nice boobs babe” will be considered funny or sweet. But we haven’t tested it out and we don’t recommend you try it either.

 

Are you allowed to check out each other’s junk?

Is all of this becoming weirdly confusing? Wait… it gets worse. One of the reasons why we eventually decided to write this blog post was because we stumbled upon the below video.

The general consensus is exactly the same as what we have been saying in our tips for first-time nudists. Yes, you can look, it’s actually very normal to look, but you should not stare because that makes people feel uncomfortable.

 

The difficulty is that if you look too much, you’re a voyeur. If you enjoy being looked at too much, you’re an exhibitionist. Once again, it takes a certain level of people skills to estimate the right balance. And this might well be the reason why the person from the first example kept looking away from the other guests.

Just act normally

We keep recommending people to act exactly the same at nudist places as they would at textile places. If you keep staring at a woman’s breasts at a textile beach, even though they are covered, you are quite likely to get punched in the face by the large boyfriend you hadn’t noticed (that’s what you get from staring, you fail to notice the surroundings). And you can praise yourself lucky that you didn’t walk up to her and say “nice boobs babe”.

 

But it’s not always that obvious. In the above video, Jessica (also known as The Nude Blogger) gives the example of someone walking up to her at the nude beach to ask if he could give her a massage. We’ve spent a fair amount of time on textile Caribbean beaches and over there it’s actually very common that people ask if you want a massage. And they charge quite a bit for that too. So why would someone not accept a free massage? Because it’s on a nude beach? Because she was there alone?

 

If you listen to the story, it was all about the setting. The beach appeared to be quite empty, so why would someone try to run a massage business there. There had been another guy – or maybe the same guy, that’s not clear – who had asked if he could sit right next to her and then started playing with himself. So a free massage just didn’t feel right. If she had been at a private resort, the setting could have been completely different and she might have happily accepted a free massage.

Nudist communication 101

Told you that it would get more confusing… So you’re this amazingly friendly nudist who just loves giving free massages without any hidden agenda, how do you make sure that people understand that your intentions are genuine? The answer is small talk. If you just walk up to strangers on the nude beach asking if you can give them a free massage, their perv-radar will automatically start beeping. If, on the other hand, you just strike up a conversation about the weather and how warm the ocean is this time of the year, talk a bit about yourself and your passion for massaging and “hey, if you ever want a massage, I’m right there at the end of the beach”, it’s going to be considered much less awkward.

 

Another important thing to realize is that many nudists are not 100% comfortable (yet) with their nudity. They still feel more vulnerable than when they are clothed. They are very aware that they are naked. So when you say “you look great”, they hear “you look great naked”. A world of difference. The best tip we can give you is to refrain from comments about the physical appearance of a naked stranger, no matter how great he or she looks and no matter how genuine your intentions are.

How to handle unwanted comments

Throughout this blog post, we’ve mainly pictured women as the victims and men as the predators. That is because this is the scenario of the majority of cases of harassment. But men also get harassed from time to time, both by women and other men. If this is happening to you, what do you do?

 

We have seen our share of creeps on nude beaches and tried several methods. We’ve given them the middle finger, pointed at them, screamed “f*** off you creep”, but only later we realized that this is counter-effective. Especially when it comes to exhibitionists, your reaction and discomfort actually turn them on. One woman in the video seems to have found a better solution by throwing balls of sand towards them. We imagine that having to duck every other second kinda ruins the experience.

 

Personally, we’ve learned to ignore the creeps. If they keep staring from a distance, we just turn our backs to them and don’t let them ruin a great afternoon at the beach. But if they get too close and make us feel too uncomfortable or unsafe, we ask the help from others or just go away. That is what we recommend to you as well. The creeps may have come to look at the naked people, but a group of angry naked people storming in their direction will definitely scare them off.

 
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35 thoughts on “The Things You don’t Say to a Nudist”

  1. I don’t agree with ‘Yes, you can look …’. Let me explain why.

    My very first social naturist experience was in a small hotel Spa. Only a few people were present. When I went for a shower a woman (who was already showering) focussed on my body parts down under. This made me feel uncomfortable and wondering if the many messages and posts regarding the nonsexual focus of naturism are just a big lie.
    Several months later and after some hesitation I dared to give it a second chance by visiting another spa. Fortunately this time everyone was just having a good time without looking at what’s between people’s legs, otherwise I would have abandoned social nudity forever and would never try it again.

    The message should be simply : Eyes are for seeing but not for looking.

    Reply
    • There we get to the difference between seeing, looking, and staring.
      In our opinion, looking and seeing go hand in hand. Whereas looking is the more physical act of moving your eyes in a certain direction while seeing is actually interpreting what you are looking at. Does that make sense? This does mean that you can’t see without looking. Hence the biblical expression “Look and you will see”. Staring, on the other hand, is keeping your eyes fixed on what you are looking at for more time than normal.

      But this isn’t a grammar blog 🙂
      So we’d prefer to summarize the difference for the sake of this blog post to: Looking/seeing means that you don’t bring discomfort to the other, whereas staring makes the other person uncomfortable. Exactly like what unfortunately happened during your first naturist experience.

      This is, in fact, a great example of the gray zones that we often need to work with. There’s no universal agreement of when looking becomes staring. For one person this may be after 0.2 seconds, for another person after 2 seconds. So when one person complains that someone was staring, and the other says that he was just looking, both can be right. Once again, it comes down to communication and people skills. To the setting, the atmosphere, the body language, and the mindset of both persons.

      Reply
  2. Let me add one that many of you may not have considered. Some veteran nudists seem to think it’s funny to refer to someone with tan lines as a “cotton tale” or to someone who is untanned as “pale skin” or “mighty whitey.”

    As a fair-skinned person who is more likely to burn than tan, I can tell you that it’s not funny. To the contrary, it is rude, inconsiderate and inconsistent with the nudist ethos of body acceptance.

    Here’s an example. Several years ago my wife and I visited an AANR club in east-central Indiana (USA) on a hot Sunday. I had just climbed out of the pool and was walking toward my seat when an middle-age woman, who was standing in the shallow end of the pool with several other women, pointed at me and said in a loud, clear voice, “Look how white that feller’s skin is. Why, I think he’s even whiter than Darryl.” I decided to keep walking and ignore her, but she wouldn’t let it go. She said to the other women standing near her in the pool, “I think he’s whiter than Darryl, don’t you?”

    I didn’t hear the other women say anything. Perhaps they were embarrassed by her rudeness. And if they weren’t, they should have been. I don’t know who Darryl is — presumably another club member — but he had every right to be as offended by her comments as I was.

    As it happens I’m a veteran nudist — even though I don’t have nudist-friendly skin. But for all that woman knew, I could have been a newbie trying out nudism for the first time. And loudly commenting on a person’s paleness is not exactly calculated to encourage a second visit, now is it?

    This was not an isolated incident. If you are a person who tans well, I’ll bet you’ve never even considered that those of us who aren’t so fortunate may feel somewhat self-conscious when surrounded by so many well-tanned people. And it doesn’t help when one of them decides to point it out.

    Nudism is supposedly all about body acceptance. And that principle should apply to skin tone just the same as body shape and other physical features.

    RR

    Reply
    • Agree totally. I’m of French+Italian heritage so I tan fairly easily, but Mrs J&C is of Irish+English heritage so she has to be careful in the sun. We just got back from four days at Cypress Cove and we were able to recharge our (starting to fade) tans, but when standing next to each other my tan is more pronounced. Luckily our last nude event of the year will be bowling with our non-landed club this weekend and we are known well enough that nothing like what happened to you should happen to Mrs J&C, but if it did I’d be upset.

      Reply
    • Yes, that too is a part of communication: realizing that what may feel funny to you could be insulting to someone else.

      Unfortunately, some nudists see skin tan as a benchmark. We’ve always found it weird that while nudism is based on mutual respect and the fact that everyone should be treated as equals, some nudists still feel that they are better nudists than others. Tan is not the only benchmark that is used for this, we’ve also seen this happen with the number of membership cards, seniority, etc.

      Maybe we should write a blog post about this one day 🙂

      Reply
  3. Talking about exhibitionists: a friend of us walked at night in a park when a man jumped in front of her and opened his coat. As a nurse and naturist she said : Oh, what a lovely small one. The man disappeared as quick as possible.

    Reply
  4. I think context is more important than the difference in the amount of time between looking and staring. During my first ever nudist experience (in Athena Le Perron) I managed to get a sunburn on the area where my boxers would usually be. So when I went to the bar the lady pointed out that I need to be careful and wear more sun cream in the future. I explained to her and the other people seated at the bar that it was my first time and that prompted a conversation about my sunburn. When I left with my drink 10 minutes later I realised that the people I had spent the last 10 minutes talking to spent most of the time staring at my penis, as this was the topic of the conversation. It only struck me afterwards how I never noticed anything odd or strange about several people staring at my penis. Context is very important as well as faith in the intentions of others. If you have trust that the persons behavior is appropriate in the given scenario and you feel comfortable that they are not a creep then I think you may not even notice if they are staring – even if they are. Even if a situation makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, I believe that your faith in the good intentions of the other person also should help you feel more comfortable in the situation. Either way being stared at isn’t necessarily a bad thing or an indicator of the persons intentions.

    Reply
  5. I’m a bit of an introvert until I get to know someone. All it takes is someone saying “Hello”, and I will warm up to them quickly if they seem like a nice person. As far as creepy people go, they come in both male and female. As was said, topics of conversation is a big part of it.
    I don’t mind people who stare. I’ve been around nudists most of my life so am used to seeing others nude, although I do admit some people do get a second look. I appreciate beauty, clothed or unclothed. I can understand why newcomers are still curious, and it does me no injury for them to satisfy their curiosity.
    My pet peeve is the use of the word ” textiles”. To me it is childish.

    Reply
    • Yes, we’re not huge fans of the word “textiles” either. But yet, we use it a lot because it’s such a very easy way to describe non-naturists.

      Reply
  6. This brings me back to my comment in another of ypur blog posts, that the best way to normalise nudity is to expose people to it.

    As for looking and staring, I think, if you’re going to be a nudie you have to accept that people will see your bits and some people will stare at them. So what? I don’t care and haven’t cared about that since I first started nude beaches.

    In the 50 years since I got into it, I have experienced some of the things you discussed. I had had both men and women look, stare and comment about my penis.

    I don’t want to drone on about it, but it’s relevant, I have an above average sized penis. It does draw looks at times. And for the last 25 years it’s had a piercing, which further adds to it drawing attention. That wasn’t the intended purpose of it, I had it because a girlfriend asked me to because it enhances sensation for a woman even more. Even when I parted company with that girlfriend I kept the piercing because I got to quite like it.

    The upshot of both the above attributes is they draw attention, looks, stares and occasionally comments. Even before I had the peircing a man, a complete stranger I was literally only walking past in the opposite direction on the beach looked and said, “That’s a nice one!” I have no idea whether he was gay, he probably was. But it didn’t bother me. Another guy was a bit more crude and said, “Hello Mr big d**k!” Even that didn’t bother me. The only thing that annoyed me was when a guy I was walking past on a path in the sand dunes stopped and commented on the weather and stunning location, but while he was doing that he took hold of my penis. I knocked his hand away and politely told him, “Girls only!”

    I’ve had more attention from women though, from one walking past me on the beach, very obviously looking at my penis then making eye contact and smiling, to a couple of bikini-clad girls on a clothing optional beach calling me and beckoning me over to them then inviting me to join them. When I asked them why they openly told me the wanted to look at my penis.

    I went to a naturist swim at a local leisure centre. There were two lifegaurds a guy and a girl. For some reason the guy kept disappearing. The girl struck up a conversation with me while I sitting on the edge of the pool and when I asked her if this was her full time job she told me she did it part time because she was still at school. She was only 16. And although not relevant, very pretty too. When the session was over I went to the locker room to get dressed and she came and stood 2 feet away from me and chatted more while watching me drying myself and putting my clothes on, and the whole time she kept glancing down and staring at my penis.

    Female partners I’ve had have also experienced staring or comments from men. One was lying on her towel on her back sunbathing next to me when some guy strolled up and sat down a few feet away where he was in direct line of sight between her legs. I alerted her to it but she basically said, “I don’t care, if he’s so sad that he’s got nothing more interesting to do than stare at my fanny let him get on with it!” (A note for any American’s reading this: in the UK a fanny is a woman’s front bottom not her backside)

    So, my point is, it happens. If you’re going to expose your bits you need to get used to the fact that people will see them, look, stare and sometimes comment. It’s not really a big deal in my opinion.

    Reply
    • We agree that it happens and that the way you handle it is completely your own choice. But we very much disagree that we just need to simply accept such behavior. It’s an ancient idea, like in the fifties when it was perfectly fine for the boss to pinch his secretary in the butt and she “simply needed to accept that”. We live in different times and different behavior is expected.

      Reply
      • “It’s an ancient idea, like in the fifties . . . .”

        Yikes! I was born in 1956. Does that make me “ancient?” I asked my wife. She looked me squarely in the eye and said, “Yes, it does.”

        Oh, well. Maybe I should change my handle to Relic Robert.

        RR

        P.S. This post is what we used to call, back in days of old, self-deprecating humor, so please don’t take it seriously. Gotta go now. It’s time for my mid-morning nap.

        Reply
        • I’m of a slightly older vintage than you. I’ve been a nudist for over 50 years. I think there is a generation gap among nudists, and how we view being nude. “Being there” in the 60’s and 70’s formed much more open views.

          Reply
        • For our generation, the fifties were pretty ancient 😂😂

          But we should have rephrased that sentence. It’s an ancient idea, that lasted until as recently as the fifties…

          Reply
    • I feel the same way as you. Let them stare all they want. I have been going to Cypress Cove in Kissimmee Florida for over 10 years. Have had guys and girls stare at my penis. And it doesn’t bother me. I love being naked around other nudist and being free of clothes. I look at other nudist to but don’t stare. I was a little shy at first when I first started going to the resort but got use to being naked around other nudist.

      Reply
  7. As I was reading these comments I grew one more gray hair. It was worth it. I would bet that we Nudists are the best group at making eye contact when speaking to each other. I think it’s great!!

    Reply
  8. It’s not an ancient idea at all. But you are grouping looking and admiring with groping and sexual harrassment, which have never been alright. I’m not talking about the latter, I’m referring only to seeing, looking, admiring.

    There’s nothing wrong with looking. It’s like one recent partner I had said. When she had clothes on it was often a short skirt with high heels, and she had great legs. She said if she thought she’d be offended by guys looking at her legs she wouldn’t dress that way. And that’s not an ancient idea, she was 30-odd years younger than me, 23 years old. She had the very same attitude to the nude beach, “if you don’t want people to see and look at your bits keep them covered!”

    For me, you can’t be a nudist, especially in public or socially, if you’re going to get offended by someone looking at you and your parts.

    I think it’s myth created by nudists/naturists promoting the lifestyle to say people don’t look, because they absolutely do.

    To say the attitude I’m suggesting is in any way old fashioned, dated or ancient is wrong. Many of the younger crowd at nude beaches, certainly the ones I know and others I see in this country (the UK), have exactly that view.

    Reply
    • It all trickles down to the essence of this blog post: Everything depends on the setting, the people, and the intentions.
      We agree that the nudists who say that everyone keeps their eyes on eye level all the time are wrong. But we disagree that a nudist can’t be offended when someone looks at them too much. And there it is: “too much”. It’s something you can’t define, but need to feel. If you come to a nudist place to look at people or because you enjoy being looked at, you’re in the wrong place.

      Reply
      • Exactly, you can’t define it. Well I have to strongly disagree on the point of being offended. It’s not so much they (nudists) can’t, more a case of they shouldn’t be.

        All of this “I’m offended” snowflake culture that some subscribe to is not a positive thing, it’s a negative thing.

        If you wan’t to be a nudist and have the freedom to walk around in public places like beaches, in the nude, and you want that to be the norm, as in the rest of the public are accepting of your nudity and are not offended by it, you are being extremley hippocritical to say you are offended by someone looking at your nudity.

        If you’re a pretty girl walking down the high street, I’m going to look at your face because it’s nice to look at. I will also look at your body shape, legs, boobs and admire them. It’s a completely natural reaction and it’s not going to go away.

        On a nudist beach I’ll admire the other visible parts if they’re worth admiring. They’re body parts, nothing more. Some are aesthetically pleasing to look at, and some aren’t, just like faces.

        You can’t have it both ways, “your cake and eat it” as the saying goes. You want nudity normalised, you must accept that some people are going to look at certain parts. We are all different, we’re not robots or the perfect Stepford Wives, so you’re never… never, going to change it. You have to exept that people will look, some will stare, and occasionally some might comment.

        Reply
        • We’re not big fans either of the upcoming “I’m offended” attitude, but the way you describe it sounds like it’s fine to stare at nudists because they are asking for it. Just like so many girls and women have been told that they need to be fine with sexist reactions if they are wearing a short skirt because they are asking for it.

          Our nudity is not meant for other people’s entertainment. If it does entertain you, that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t backfire on us (in staring, unwanted remarks,…). Does that make sense?

          Reply
          • I’m not saying that anyone is asking for it. Or that our nudity is for other peoples entertainment. But surely you can see that if we choose to be nude around other people whether it be on a beach or at a resort, whether it’s other nudists or people who aren’t nudists, some people are going to look. As I have said, in 50 years of being a nudist I have had it a lot. It has never bothered me. I choose to be nude so I’m perfectly comfortable being nude at being looked at.

            Likewise, I’m not saying the girl in a short skirt is asking for it. But again, she can’t or shouldn’t be offended if someone looks at her legs. In fact I’ve known girls who were offended if they didn’t get wolf-whistled at. Men can’t really win, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t!

            These are natural human instincts though, they’re not going to go away. But it shouldn’t be a big deal, we should be comfortable with it if.

            I do find it quite puzzling that anyone who wants to be nude publicly and/or socially can be offended by someone looking at their penis, breasts or vulva.

            Also, if I look, it’s not for my entertainment. If I do look at a nude woman it’s because I find her attractive, nothing more.

            Trust me, in 50 years of being a nudist I have seen thousands of penises, breasts and vulva’s. It’s ceased being a novelty a long time ago.

          • We’re probably getting lost somewhere in grammar. If you want to be a nudist, of course you need to be ok with the idea that other people will see you naked. But you also need to feel comfortable and staring makes people feel uncomfortable. Being a nudist doesn’t equal handing out permission for people to stare at your body parts, but neither can you expect that nobody will ever look at them. It’s all about the thin line that we try to explain in this blog post.

  9. Nick&Lins you sure have stirred it up. I find it truly offensive when some of these nudist men insist on their right to look as they please. They remind me of the gun nuts here in the USA that insist on their right to carry guns even when going to buy groceries. I admire your diplomacy but their bullshit is still bullshit.

    Reply
  10. I am a nudist but my wife is not at all. On my first resort visit ever I was a single. I had just return from a 4 month hike and was quite thin. I met 2 very nice ladies and was conversing with them. I noticed one was doing the twice over thoroughly so I just turned around slowly with my hands in the arm while saying “yah, I have no but because I just hike it off over the last 4 months”. We all laughed and hung out for the next 3 days. No addenda. Just great conversation.

    Reply
    • I have had many similar encounters over the years at the times when I was single.

      Some years ago when I was 28, at a beach one day that wasn’t an official nudist beach but was known for being used by nudists, I’d walked quite a way along the beach at the water’s edge then turned inland and was walking back along the beach halfway between the sea and dunes at the back of the beach, when I heard someone shouting. I looked and there were two girls waving and beckoning me over.

      They weren’t nudists and had not intended to come to the beach when they left home that morning, so they didn’t have swimsuits with them. One had stripped to her bra and knickers and the other to her bra and denim shorts – she told me later that she hadn’t removed her shorts because she had no underwear on.

      They had called me over because they were curious as to why I was naked. Having explained it to them they invited me to join them and I spent several hours sitting with them, walking to the sea to have a paddle a couple of times, but they wouldn’t go all the way in because they didn’t want to get their clothes/underwear wet. I pointed out that if they swam in the nude their clothes wouldn’t get wet, but they never took that step. They were only 18 and probably lacking the confidence.

      But they were constantly checking my penis out and commenting about it. At one point one of them got a camera out and asked someone who was passing by to take a photo of the three of us. Not of it bothered me at all.

      Reply
  11. As a nudist who was single most of my life, I can relate to the introverted person who tried to be respectful. Although I am definitely not introverted, I always was very careful when going to a nudist resort. Since the majority are couples, I found it to be awkward to walk up and initiate conversations with couples and be that third wheel and know that they may think I was approaching them for the wrong reasons. The way I engaged was to get involved in the activities at the resort whether it we volleyball or any other activities they have. Then I was able to be myself and get to know people that way, which opened up conversations later in the week. By the second or third day, I had made lots of new friends and was thoroughly enjoying myself. The first day at the resort though was usually pretty lonely until those relationships started to develop.

    Reply
  12. As I have said before, I have always approached it by letting clothed people make the first move rather than me approaching them. But I continue to be nude and see whether people are ok with it.

    In 50 years I’ve only had one bad reaction when a guy with is girlfriend came running up to me from 100m away and started ranting at me while simultaneously on the phone to the police. The amusing thing was the police told him to calm down then explained to him that I wasn’t doing anything illegal and I was perfectly in my rights to be nude if I wanted to be. They also told him to simply look the other way and walk away if if he had a problem with it. He and his girlfriend then walked off rather sheepishly.

    On the whole I’ve found most people are ok with it.

    I remember once spending a weekend at my favourite official nude beach and camping in a field belonging to a farmer who was/is supportive of nudists. It is a very large rectangular field between a holiday park and a caravan site and it is used by everyone and accommodates caravans, motorhomes and tents. It is advertised as allowing “discrete nudity”.

    I had taken and pitched a small tent next to my car near the back of the field. In the evening I sat in a fold out chair just next to my car and tent. It was a lovely warm evening so I chose to be nude.

    About 10m away from me was a family with a motorhome. There were five people altogether, the father and mother and their two daughters and another woman who turned out to be the mother’s sister. They weren’t nudists.

    They were having a BBQ and drinking wine. The mother came over to me and said hi, asking if I was on my own and invited me to join them for a drink. I accepted and said I’d just slip some shorts and a tee shirt on, and she said, “It’s OK, come as you are!” So I did. I was the only one nude and it was all fine. The conversation and everyone’s behaviour was completely normal.

    That was about twenty years ago.

    Reply

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